I used to think listening just meant waiting for my turn to talk.
It sounds bad when I say it like that, but it was true. While someone else was speaking, my mind would be racing. I’d be crafting my perfect reply, thinking of a similar story from my own life, or worse, just drifting off completely. I was present physically but my mind was a million miles away.
Looking back, it makes sense. During the years I was stuck in unhealthy cycles—binge eating, gaming for hours, and just feeling lazy and disconnected—I wasn't really listening to anyone. I wasn't listening to my body, my loved ones, or my own soul. I was so full of noise that there was no room for anyone else’s voice to get in.
But learning to listen, truly listen, changed everything. It strengthened my relationships, deepened my faith, and honestly, it made me a better person. It’s a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. So, I want to share some strategies that have helped me go from a professional interrupter to someone who genuinely loves to hear what others have to say.
Why Listening is a Superpower
Before we get into the "how," let's talk about the "why." Good listening isn't passive. It's an active, powerful act of connection. When you truly listen to someone, you give them a gift. You’re telling them, “You matter. What you say is important. You are important.”
This builds trust faster than anything else. It dissolves conflict, sparks new ideas, and creates bonds that last. It’s how we show love and respect. It’s the foundation of every single healthy relationship, whether it’s with a friend, a spouse, a child, or even with God.
20 Strategies for Becoming a Better Listener
Okay, let's get practical. You don't have to master all of these at once. Just pick one or two to focus on this week. Small steps lead to big changes. I know this from my own journey of losing over 110 pounds. It didn't happen overnight. It happened one good meal, one workout, and one small win at a time. The same applies here.
- Listen to understand, not just to reply. This is the golden rule. Shift your goal from crafting your response to truly grasping what they’re saying and feeling.
- Put your phone away. Not face down on the table. Put it in your pocket or in another room. The mere presence of a phone can make the other person feel like they don't have your full attention.
- Hold your advice. Unless someone directly asks, “What should I do?” they probably don’t want advice. They want a listening ear. Just being heard is often the solution they need.
- Embrace the pause. Silence can feel awkward, but it's powerful. It gives the other person space to think and gather their thoughts. Don't rush to fill every quiet moment.
- Ask open-ended questions. Instead of a "yes" or "no" question, ask something that starts with "what," "how," or "why." For example, instead of “Was work busy?” try “What was your day at work like?”
- Paraphrase what they said. This shows you're paying attention. Say something like, “So, if I’m hearing you right, you’re feeling frustrated because…” It clarifies things for both of you.
- Watch their body language. So much of communication is non-verbal. Are their shoulders tense? Are they avoiding eye contact? These are important clues to how they’re really feeling.
- Use small encouragements. Simple phrases like “I see,” “uh-huh,” or just a nod can show you're engaged and encourage them to continue.
- Don’t one-up their story. If they share a struggle, resist the urge to jump in with “You think that’s bad? Let me tell you about…” It dismisses their experience and makes the conversation about you.
- Stay on their topic. Don't use their story as a springboard to a completely different subject. Honor the conversation they started.
- Practice patience. Let them finish their thoughts completely, even if they wander a bit. Interrupting sends the message that your words are more important than theirs.
- Set an intention. Before you walk into a conversation, tell yourself, “My only job right now is to listen.” This simple mental switch can make a huge difference.
- Listen with your eyes. Make gentle, steady eye contact. It shows you’re focused on them and no one else.
- Acknowledge their feelings. You don’t have to agree with them to validate their emotions. A simple “That sounds incredibly difficult” or “I can understand why you’d be excited about that” goes a long way.
- Delay your judgment. We all have biases. Try to set them aside and hear the person’s perspective with an open mind. You can analyze it later. In the moment, just receive it.
- Imagine yourself in their shoes. Try to connect with the emotion behind their words. What would it feel like to be in their situation? This builds empathy.
- Don’t just listen to the words. Listen to the tone, the pace, and the energy. What is the person really trying to say between the lines?
- Forget about being perfect. You will mess up. You’ll interrupt sometimes or get distracted. That’s okay. Just gently bring your focus back to the person in front of you.
- Notice when you’re not listening. Self-awareness is key. When you feel your mind wander, just notice it without judgment and refocus.
- Thank them for sharing. When someone opens up to you, especially with something vulnerable, thank them. It honors their trust in you.
The Deepest Form of Listening
For me, strengthening my Christian faith has been the ultimate lesson in listening. Prayer isn’t just about talking to God. A huge part of it is learning to be quiet and listen for His guidance. It's about quieting all the noise in my head—the worries, the plans, the distractions—to make space for a voice that isn’t my own.
This practice has overflowed into my human relationships. When I sit with a friend who is hurting, I now see it as a sacred space. My role isn't to fix their problem. My role is to be present, to listen, and to offer them the comfort of being fully heard. It’s an act of love. Learning to listen to God has taught me how to truly listen to His people.
Listening is more than a communication technique. It’s a way of moving through the world with an open heart. It connects us, heals us, and helps us grow.
So, here’s my challenge for you: Who is one person you can practice truly listening to this week? It could be your child, your partner, a coworker, or a friend. Pick one strategy from this list and give it a try. You might be amazed at what you hear.
