Persuasion isn't about winning arguments; it's about building bridges.
We all want to be heard. Whether you’re trying to get your team on board with a new idea, convince your kids to eat their broccoli, or even just persuade yourself to get out of bed for a workout. It’s a skill that touches every part of our lives. But so many of us think it means being pushy, loud, or manipulative. That’s not it at all.
I learned this the hard way. For years, I was my own worst enemy. I was stuck in a cycle of bad habits—laziness, binge eating, and wasting countless hours on things that didn't matter. The person I needed to persuade the most was myself. I had to convince myself that a different life was possible. Learning to do that, to finally lose over 110 pounds and build a life of purpose, taught me that real persuasion starts with connection, honesty, and understanding. It’s about helping others see a better way, not forcing them down a path.
Here are 20 ways I’ve learned to improve my persuasion skills, not as a master, but as someone who’s still on the journey with you.
Start with Understanding, Not Arguments
You can't connect with someone if you don't understand them. Before you even think about making your point, focus on theirs.
- Listen More Than You Talk. This is the golden rule. Genuinely listen to what the other person is saying. Don't just wait for your turn to speak. Hear their words, their tone, and what they aren't saying.
- Ask Great Questions. Instead of making statements, ask open-ended questions. "What are your biggest concerns about this?" or "How do you see this working best?" It shows you value their opinion.
- Find Common Ground First. Start with something you both agree on. It could be a shared goal, a mutual frustration, or a common value. This builds a foundation of "we" instead of "me vs. you."
- Acknowledge Their Point of View. You don't have to agree with it, but you have to acknowledge it. Saying "I can see why you feel that way" or "That's a valid point" makes the other person feel respected and heard.
- Use Their Name. People love the sound of their own name. Using it in conversation shows you see them as an individual. It’s a small thing that makes a big difference.
Build a Foundation of Trust
People won’t be persuaded by someone they don’t trust. Trust is the currency of all relationships, personal and professional.
- Be Radically Honest. Don't bend the truth to make your case stronger. People can sense dishonesty a mile away. Your integrity is your most persuasive tool. For me, my Christian faith is my anchor here. It calls me to be honest and act with character, which builds a trust that no clever tactic ever could.
- Show, Don't Just Tell. Don't just talk about being reliable; be reliable. Let your actions prove your words. If you say you’ll do something, do it. Your track record speaks for itself.
- Be Consistent. If your opinions and behaviors change with the wind, people won’t know where you stand. Consistency in your values and actions makes you predictable in a good way.
- Admit When You're Wrong. Nothing builds trust faster than humility. Saying "I was wrong" or "I made a mistake" shows strength, not weakness. It proves you care more about the right outcome than about your ego.
- Keep Your Promises. This sounds simple, but it’s everything. Every promise kept is a brick in the foundation of trust. Every promise broken cracks it.
Communicate with Clarity and Heart
What you say is important, but how you say it can be even more powerful.
- Tell a Story. Facts and figures inform, but stories connect. We are wired for stories. Share a short, relevant story to illustrate your point. It makes your message memorable and relatable.
- Use Simple Language. Don’t try to sound smart with big words and complex jargon. It just confuses people. The most brilliant ideas can be explained simply. Speak clearly and directly.
- Watch Your Body Language. Are you making eye contact? Are your arms crossed? Is your posture open and confident? Your non-verbal cues often say more than your words.
- Match Their Energy (Subtly). If someone is calm and quiet, don't come in loud and hyper. If they are energetic, bring a little more life to your voice. Mirroring their energy level helps build a natural rapport.
- Use "We" and "Us." Frame the conversation around teamwork and shared goals. "How can we solve this?" is much more persuasive than "Here's what you need to do."
The Inner Game of Persuasion
Your mindset and character are the engine behind any persuasive effort.
- Be Patient. Real persuasion is rarely instant. It often takes time for someone to process a new idea. Don't get frustrated if they don't agree right away. Plant the seed and give it time to grow.
- Believe in What You’re Saying. If you aren't convinced, you’ll never convince anyone else. Your genuine belief and passion are contagious. This is why it’s so important to align your work and your requests with your core values.
- Give Something First. This isn't about manipulation; it’s about generosity. Offer help, a compliment, or a resource without expecting anything in return. It opens the door for positive exchange.
- Focus on the Relationship. The goal isn't to "win" the argument. The goal is to strengthen the relationship. Sometimes, that means agreeing to disagree and preserving the connection for another day.
- Know When to Stop. Not every battle is worth fighting, and not every person can be persuaded. Sometimes the most powerful move is to respectfully end the conversation and walk away.
Persuasion is a skill, and like any skill, it gets better with practice. Don't try to master all of these at once. Just pick one.
What’s one conversation you have coming up this week? How can you focus on just one of these tips—maybe listening more, or finding common ground—and see what happens? That one small step is all it takes to start.
