I used to think winning an argument was the most important thing. It didn’t matter if it was with family, a friend, or my wife. I just wanted to be right.
That desire for a quick “win” came from the same place as my other struggles. The same part of me that craved the instant reward from gaming or binge eating also wanted the instant satisfaction of proving my point. But that satisfaction never lasted. It usually left me feeling empty and the relationship feeling a little more strained. I was winning battles but losing the war for connection and peace in my own life.
Conflict is a part of life. We can’t avoid it. But we can change how we approach it. We can stop treating disagreements like a battlefield and start seeing them as an opportunity to build a stronger bridge between us and someone we care about.
The Shift from Battle to Bridge-Building
Changing my approach to conflict was a lot like losing over 110 pounds. It wasn't about one dramatic diet or a single heroic workout. It was about making a fundamental mindset shift. With my health, I had to stop looking for quick fixes and start building a sustainable lifestyle. With conflict, I had to stop trying to score points and start trying to understand.
The goal is no longer to win. The goal is to resolve.
When you see a disagreement as a problem you and the other person need to solve together, everything changes. You stop being opponents and start being teammates. This doesn't mean you'll always agree. But it means you’ll stay on the same side of the table, looking at the problem together, instead of glaring at each other from across it.
Prepare Your Heart First
You wouldn't run a marathon without stretching. So why do we jump into difficult conversations completely unprepared? The most important preparation happens in your own heart before you even open your mouth. If I know a tough conversation is coming, I try to step away for a moment.
I find a quiet place and say a short prayer. I ask God for wisdom, for a calm spirit, and for the ability to see the other person with love. This single act helps me put my own pride aside. It reminds me that the person I’m about to talk to is also created in God’s image. It’s hard to stay angry when you’re asking God to help you love.
20 Steps to Improve Conflict Resolution
Navigating disagreements takes practice. It’s a skill, and like any skill, you get better with repetition. Here are some practical steps that have helped me turn arguments into opportunities for real connection.
- Choose the Right Time. Don’t start a serious talk when someone is hungry, tired, or walking out the door. Ask, “Is now a good time to talk about something?”
- Listen More Than You Speak. This is the hardest one for me. Try to genuinely hear their perspective before forming your rebuttal.
- Don’t Interrupt. Let them finish their thought completely. You’ll get your turn.
- Use “I” Statements. Say “I feel hurt when this happens” instead of “You always make me feel bad.” It’s about your feeling, not their intention.
- Focus on the Problem, Not the Person. Attack the issue, not their character. Avoid insults and labels.
- Stay Calm. If you feel yourself getting heated, pause. Take a deep breath. A calm voice encourages a calm response.
- Ask Questions. Show you’re trying to understand. Say things like, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What I think I’m hearing is… is that right?”
- Drop the Need to Be Right. Your goal is resolution, not victory. Let go of your ego.
- Find a Point of Agreement. Even if it’s small, find some common ground. “I agree that we’re both stressed about this.”
- Acknowledge Their Feelings. You don’t have to agree with them to validate them. “I can see why you would feel that way.”
- Know When to Take a Break. If things are getting too intense, it’s okay to pause. Say, “I need a few minutes. Can we come back to this in a little while?”
- Avoid “Always” and “Never.” These words are rarely true and immediately put people on the defensive.
- Stick to One Issue. Don’t bring up past mistakes or other grievances. Solve one problem at a time.
- Apologize Sincerely. If you were wrong, own it. A real apology doesn’t have excuses. Just say, “I’m sorry.”
- Forgive Freely. Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. As Christians, we are called to forgive as we have been forgiven.
- Look for a Solution. Actively brainstorm ways to move forward. “How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
- Remember You’re a Team. If it’s a spouse or a close family member, remind yourself that you love them and want what’s best for your relationship.
- Watch Your Body Language. Don’t cross your arms, roll your eyes, or turn away. Face them and make eye contact.
- Pray for Them. Before, during, and after the conflict. Prayer changes your heart toward the person.
- End with Connection. Once resolved, do something to reconnect. A hug, a kind word, or a simple “We’re okay” can reaffirm your bond.
What Happens When You Mess Up?
You will mess up. I still do. There are times when my temper gets the best of me, I interrupt, or I focus more on being right than on listening. It happens.
The key is what you do next. Don’t let pride keep you from making it right. A few weeks ago, I got frustrated during a discussion and cut my wife off, completely dismissing her point. I knew I was wrong almost immediately. Later that day, I went to her and said, “I’m sorry for how I spoke to you earlier. I wasn’t listening, and that was disrespectful.”
It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary. Our faith teaches us about repentance—about turning around and trying again. We are given endless chances to get it right with God, and we should offer that same grace to others and to ourselves.
Conflict isn’t the enemy. Pride is. When we learn to handle disagreements with humility, patience, and love, they lose their power to divide us. They become tools that can actually bring us closer.
Think about a recent disagreement you had. Looking back, which one of these steps could have changed the outcome for the better? Just pick one to focus on next time. That’s how real change begins.
