Some days, it feels like you're your own worst enemy.
You mess up your diet, skip a workout, waste half the day scrolling on your phone—and then you beat yourself up for it. Sound familiar? You're not alone in this. I’ve been there too, over and over again.
I used to think tough love was the only way to grow. Push harder, be stricter, say things to myself I’d never say to anyone else. At 300 pounds, deep into gaming marathons and stuck in binge-patterns with food and alcohol, I thought shame was the fuel I needed to change.
But shame doesn’t build. It breaks.
The truth is, real change starts when you learn how to be gentle with yourself.
Let’s talk about what that actually means—and how to start.
What “Being Gentle” Really Looks Like
Being gentle with yourself isn’t about being lazy or letting everything slide. It’s not an excuse to stay stuck.
It’s about treating yourself like you’d treat someone you love. Someone who’s been through hard things. Someone who’s trying.
It means:
- Forgiving yourself when you mess up
- Talking to yourself with kindness instead of criticism
- Giving yourself permission to rest without guilt
- Letting progress—not perfection—be good enough
This shift can change everything. It changed my entire life.
Why We Beat Ourselves Up
Most of us grow up believing we need to hustle constantly just to be “good enough.”
We carry this invisible checklist in our heads: Wake up early. Grind. Eat clean. Workout. Hit goals. Stay productive. Be perfect.
And when we fall short—which we all do—we punish ourselves mentally.
“This always happens.”
“I’m such a failure.”
“I’ll never change.”
I used to fall into that trap daily. If I skipped a workout or ate something “bad,” I’d spiral. I believed shame would push me to do better next time.
What it actually did was keep me stuck in the same cycle: hurt, hate myself, numb out with more bad habits, then start again on Monday.
Breaking that cycle started with one simple practice: talking to myself like I mattered.
Start Here: Speak Kindly to Yourself
This one is simple, but powerful.
Listen to the way you speak to yourself when you mess up. Would you talk like that to your best friend? If not, change the script.
Instead of:
- “I’m so lazy.”
Try:
- “I had a hard day, and that’s okay. Tomorrow’s a new chance.”
Instead of:
- “I ruined everything.”
Try:
- “I slipped up for a moment. But that doesn’t erase all my progress.”
Shifting this inner voice wasn’t easy at first. For years, my default setting was self-hate. But the more I chose kinder thoughts, the more my actions started to change.
When you believe you’re worth taking care of, you actually start taking care of yourself.
Celebrate Small Wins
We often wait to feel “proud” until we hit some huge goal.
But most change happens in tiny, ordinary moments. Choosing a walk over a nap. Drinking water instead of soda. Turning off the game after an hour instead of five.
During my 110-pound weight loss journey, the biggest wins weren’t dropping 10 pounds in a week. They were:
- Getting up on time for three days straight
- Not bingeing after a stressful day
- Going for a 15-minute walk even when I didn’t feel like it
Those little victories stacked up. Slowly, they built momentum. And momentum builds belief.
Your brain starts saying, “Hey, we’re doing this. We’re changing.”
So make it a habit to notice and actually celebrate your small wins. Write them down. Say them out loud. Thank God for them before bed. They matter more than you think.
Rest Without Guilt
This one’s harder than it sounds—especially if you're used to equating rest with laziness.
But here’s the thing: real growth requires rest. Physically, mentally, spiritually.
When I quit the cycle of binge working and then burning out, I discovered the power of short daily “deep work” sessions—just 2 to 4 hours at full focus, then I rest.
That changed everything. I started producing better work. I felt calmer, less anxious. I even slept better.
It also made my time with God more meaningful. Instead of rushing through everything, I started slowing down. Praying more. Listening.
Give yourself permission to rest. Not because you’ve earned it, but because you’re human and you need it.
Rest resets your mind and body. And it helps you show up even stronger tomorrow.
Invite God Into the Struggle
Being gentle with yourself isn’t just self-help. It’s spiritual too.
In the Orthodox Christian faith, we don’t see the body and soul as separate—we see them as connected. Taking care of one helps the other.
When I started praying daily and reading the Bible again, I noticed something shift.
I started seeing myself the way God sees me. Not as a lost cause or failure. As a son. A human made in His image, with weakness—but also with purpose.
If God is patient with us, why wouldn’t we be patient with ourselves?
When I pray now, one of the main things I ask for is grace. Not just from Him, but for myself too. The grace to grow, slowly. The grace to learn from mistakes. The grace to keep going.
You don't have to carry the pressure alone. Ask Him to help you be gentle.
Stop Waiting to Be “Fixed”
Here’s something I wish someone told me sooner:
You don’t have to be perfectly healed or disciplined or consistent to be worthy of kindness.
You don’t need to “arrive” before loving yourself or letting others love you.
You can be in the middle of your mess and still treat yourself with care. You can be growing and stumbling and still be worth something.
In fact, that’s the whole point of grace.
So stop waiting. Start now. Start right here.
Your Next Step
Here's something simple you can do today.
Take one moment where you messed up recently—where you were hard on yourself—and reframe it.
Speak to yourself with kindness. Write it down or say it out loud. And thank God for giving you another day to try again.
Growth isn’t built on punishment. It’s built on love, faith, and small consistent steps.
You’re allowed to give yourself those things.
You’re not behind. You’re on your way.
And friend, that’s more than enough.
—Stephen Montagne
Founder, GoodExistence.com
Ready to take your first gentle step today? What’s one small way you can show yourself love this week? Let me know in the comments or share with someone who might need this reminder too.
